I’ve often wondered what I would look like with silver hair.  Surprise! I get to see it in full effect now. See, trying to find the positives guys.  I think I could totally pull it off. Day 3,216 of quarantine. I’m still out of coffee creamer.  I’m starting to feel as bitter as this coffee. We don’t speak ill of the precious! I mean coffee. Anyone else developing a Gollum alter ego?  The kids are full on Lord of the Flies now. I’m tired of intervening and am about ready to take bets with my husband, as to which child is going to emerge the victor.

Mommy needs a little, I mean a lot, of quiet time.  To, you know, do super exciting things like cleaning, dishes, laundry, crying and online grocery shopping.  But alas, I’m summoned most every night by my 5 year old in tears, because I won’t open a magical portal for her to go through, so she can go to Ladybug and Cat Noirs’ world (It’s an anime show on Netflix, no worries I could sense your confusion).  I’m super honored that she thinks I have this skill set. I do consider myself a Gryffindor, so I am pretty magical. And I may from time to time turn off and on the living room and kitchen lights using a spell (or an app on my smartphone). So I can see where she gets this idea. I told her to write herself in a story with Ladybug and Cat Person and draw the pictures.  She looked at me like I was crazy. Which with this quarantine, I’m pretty certain I’m becoming.  

I love the internet.  Like, really love it. Want a new outfit and refinance your house? Done! Want that original ET poster and some bigfoot footage? Done! And the Meme’s don’t forget about the Meme’s! I also love the tips people are giving out about how to stay protected nowadays.  A friend sent me a picture of this tiny woman using her bra cup as a face mask. It was pretty and fit perfectly around her mouth and nose. I went to my drawer and pulled out one of my old bras and put my face in the cup. Like my entire face fit in my bra cup.  I would be the safest person out there. Nothing would get in my mouth, nose or eyes. And as far as social distancing goes, people would just naturally get out of my way, because I’d look pretty creepy and I’m probably about to run into them. So there’s that.  

My favorite thing is online grocery shopping.  However, I’ve been doing this for years. I am so much better at sticking to my grocery list and budget if I do it this way.  Plus there is that suspense after you check the box to allow substitutions. What will you get? I don’t know, you’ll just have to wait and see! Will they substitute a 16 ounces can of refried beans with a 3 pound can?  Ohhh boy (rubs hands together with a maniacal grin)!

Now before I tell you this next part I need to clarify a few things. First of all I can’t thank all of the brave first responders enough. All the people fighting this awful virus on the front lines.  And lets not forget the people that enable us to stay home safely. The personal shoppers that go out to these crazy stores to get us our food and supplies. I’m grateful. I’m also probably one of the more patient and kind people you will meet.  (Except if you are driving like super slow in front of me.) But Kroger, you’re on my list now and that’s not a good place to be. That being said here is my story.  

On Wednesday I started an online grocery order to be delivered, from Kroger.  I put my address in, chose delivery and then filled and filled my cart in hopes to get at least half of what I picked. Because let’s be realistic here, you’re not going to get everything you ask for and that’s okay.     When I was finished I hit submit only to find that they didn’t deliver to my house… Sooo why give me the option. Okay whatever, I called my friend up and asked if I could have them delivered to her house instead. She lives in town, so I knew that’d be a safe bet.  See I’m being flexible guys. She said sure thing, so I selected to have them delivered to her house between 3-4 pm on Friday.

So Friday comes and we drive the half hour to her house, because now it’s a family outing. We haven’t been out of the house in weeks, and we wait for an hour in her driveway to intercept the groceries.  Well they didn’t show. And they didn’t show until 11:15pm that night. Who the hell is up that late? Okay probably lot’s of people. Don’t worry I sent my family home long before this. But come on Kroger, that’s not cool. As I’m sitting in my black car in my friends driveway, I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable.  She lives in a culdesac, that’s not the best lit. Or maybe it is, but there are like a million trees so it’s super dark. And I look pretty scary myself. I have a bandanna around my mouth, don’t worry I didn’t wear my bra over my face. I have on gloves. My makeup is smeared under my eyes from crying, because that’s what I do when I’m mad.  Yes I wore makeup, I don’t get out much guys. And my husband’s cowboy hat is sitting in the seat next to me. Begging for me to put it on. I literally looked like I was about to rob a stagecoach. Call me Pearl Heart.  

The delivery driver pulled up and sat there for a moment.  Maybe she could see me and was scared. Maybe she was debating on making a run for it, I don’t know.  I stepped out and opened my trunk giving a friendly wave. She cautiously steps out as well. Don’t worry lady I’m not going to shove you into the back of my car. Social distancing would frown on that.

 “Hi!” I say as friendly as I can muster.  I take off my mask because I feel ridiculous and stay a safe distance back. “Please don’t be alarmed, that is my friends house, but this is my order.  Ya’ll wouldn’t deliver to my house.” She looks at me confused. I guess I didn’t think about this part because it really looks like I am trying to steal someone’s grocery order.  I see that now. I guess these are desperate times. I can also see some neighbors peeking out, I guess some people are really awake at this hour.  

My answer seemed to appease her and she started to load up my car.  Or she just really didn’t care and wanted to get home because it’s crazy late and was thankful I wasn’t a wanna be gunslinger from the 1800’s trying to rob her.  “Stick em up and gimmie all the groceries!” Yeah, I can’t pull that off. And don’t worry I didn’t say that out loud. I did say it in my head though.

I finally get home around midnight with my groceries. I haven’t been up this late on purpose in years.  The morning is going to be here too soon, hopefully my kids will let me sleep in (7 a.m. woot!). I know that’s not going to happen. However, I did get some kind of coffee creamer, and did I mention a 3 pound can of refried beans?